A lament about non-rhyming names

(some doggerel by JFB, dedicated to his grandson, Michael, & to be kept for posterity in the Family Official History).

1/

In months gone by, my every ode

Has been purposely cast in limerick mode.

2/

My thinking is now to make a change

Designed to improve my poetic range

And interpose between the limericks

Some other kinds of gentle rhythemics.

I hope such changes in the metre

Will serve to make the verses neater

And that all of this diversification

Will widen the scope of my versification.

3/

I trust you’ll pardon this lengthy proem

Ere I proceed to write my poem

And that your ears are fully bent

To harken the plaints in this lament.

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1.

I know a young lad named “Callum”,

Whose name rhymes roughly with “Balaam”.

I’ve tried many times

To seek other rhymes

And have found only “Radio Hallam”.

2.

With no other rhymes for his name,

My subsequent odes are bound to be lame.

In future… I shal…

Simply call him “Cal”

And hope to retrieve my bardic fame.

3.

In this regard,

“Ian”’s as hard.

I can’t see

My calling him “Ee”,

Nor dare I try

To address him as “I”.

4.

I ask myself all the time

Why some names refuse to rhyme.

An example is given by Michael’s mum

For a rhyme with her name just will not come.

5.

And “Doria” presents a similar case

Posing a problem I dare not face.

It could be made a little better

If only I stressed the penultimate letter.

But might it raise the lady’s ire

If I rhymed her name with “fire”?

6.

For “Michael”, it’s just the same.

Should I just shorten his name?

“Mike” or “Mick”

Would do the trick.

It would hardly be a nasty shame.

7.

It cannot be a heinous crime

To alter names to make them rhyme

Like “Richard” to “Dick”

Or “Nicholas” to “Nick”

Great poets have done it all the time!

8.

The above example should clearly show

(What all parents ought to know)

That a poet’s hard life is made much worse

Through giving such names as inhibit good verse.

9.

May I, perhaps, crave your attention

To two names which need re-invention:

Changing “Peter” to “Pete”

Would be really quite neat

And “Oliver” to “Olly”

Would sound quite jolly.

10.

Not all names require attention

Some can stay in their current formation.

The designation “Jack”

Is already on track,

And nothing at all

Needs doing to “Paul”.

11.

(You may also recall

A cousin named “Saul”.

For much of the time

He begets a good rhyme,

Therby giving no trouble at all)

12.

I hope a grudge you will not nurse,

Nor regard me as unduly perverse,

If I think it fair game

To alter a name

For the task of getting sound verse.

13.

Having cleared this matter off my chest,

I’ll give the topic a rest;

But with worries still in mind

I hope that you will find

Alternative appellations

For those of our relations

Whose names remain intractable

As to make their poetry impracticable.

Jack F Blitz, 17 July 1995.

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